BLAME THE DEALER

Here’s the latest in administrative, my cousin needs a job, big brother bullshit. Restaurants now need a certificate holding “allergen expert” on staff. No, seriously.

We need a license to sell food. I get that. An (expensive) license to sell liquor, I get that too. Oh, and a license to sell dairy. (Isn’t that food?) And a license to have a jukebox. (Because how else is the music inspector to get paid. Shit, who IS the music inspector?) And, of course, we have to pay the state 20 cents on every dollar we pay an employee. (That’s EVERY employee, every dollar) We need a license to have a dumpster, so the City doesn’t have to spend money on hauling commercial trash. (That one’s beautiful. Kind of par for the course though…a fee collected that allows the City to do…nothing!)

We need a CPR trained, choke saver certificate. OK, I get that. People don’t know when they are going to inhale a huge chunk of steak, go blue, can’t speak, need help. Saving lives is cool.

And, we need a licensed liquor Serv Safe trained employee who is an expert in recognizing; “That guys acting like an idiot. We better not serve him any more alcohol”. OK, I even get that. Dangerous drivers, 3rd party risk, life’s at risk, judgment’s impaired, there’s enough unwanted pregnancy’s, etc etc.

And in New York, because we fat guys can’t figure out all on our own that a bacon cheeseburger with mayonnaise and fries is PROBABLY not good for the old diet, restaurants now have to list calories on their menus.

But now, we need an allergy expert. This, to help those who might otherwise get the poopies when they eat lactose. (That would be “Order the Banana split without the ice cream”) Or, to tell the guy who is deathly allergic to nuts that he should skip the cashew encrusted mahi mahi. Or to advise the guest with a gluten allergy to skip the breaded shrimp, the rolls, and the cake. Of course, this staff member will now move a cot next to the water heater and be available for every Tom, Dick and Itchy who decides to risk their health by frequenting our restaurant.

Because god forbid anyone these days be responsible for themselves, and not have someone else to blame…for everything! God forbid we should do what we always have done; “Excuse me, but would the Chef prepare a meal without any flour products”. “Certainly Miss, how about grilled fish and rice with a vegetable. Duh.